frustration

I'm feeling frustrated...trapped, boxed in. Not sure which way to go but I do know that when I get this feeling, I do everything in my power to make it so I am back on track to where I want to be. That feeling of spinning my wheels motivates me to get moving and gather all the resources necessary to make progress and move forward.

There are a few things in my life I can not motivate myself to do: number 1 is get that manuscript finished. I can not. It brings up too many painful memories and I hate spending time on something I already spent too much time on. And so it drags on. And I feel it will never be good enough to be published anyway. so why bother? So will I never be published? It has been almost 10 years since my last publication in a peer-reviewed journal. Maybe part of me feels I am just not good enough to be published after I saw what went on during the first process. Just name drop and you're in?

sad, sad world we are in science peeps.

Is it just me?

...or is the world really off kilter and has been for some time? How is it that unattractive people find attractive people to marry them? Disagreeable people find the nicest, coolest people to marry them? Maybe I am all wrong here and the nice, cool people are merely that on the outside and inside they just match the disagreeable mate they chose? 'Cause those disagreeable people sure aren't turning nice and cool anytime soon.

Where is my wedding? I'm the nicest coolest person I know and extremely agreeable. What gives karma? What up universe kilter? Can you please turn "on" and stop being "off"?

Can the miserable people stop enjoying the luck and luxury and good fortune and shove some good vibes toward those who constantly struggle, everyday?

That would be nice. Really.

Just my (non) Luck!

So I was all set to do the Warrior Dash, what happens? I bust my knee....two weeks before I'm supposed to do this awesome race I kept telling everyone about, that I prepared for for 5 months. Fuck!

Next, I finally go see the orthodontist, what does he tell me? I need to possibly have jaw surgery, my mouth is completely awful, it may cost up to $9,000 and the implant, is iffy. Might have to remove a tooth to put in a fake tooth or move a tooth that might require a root canal. WTF?

Not the worst of it: new employee, who in all the world does it happen to be? Someone I never liked in my old grad program who is a passive agressive yuk. Maybe she has changed but I dreaded this day since M told me.

I am starting to culminate all feelings about the disappointment in A. I realize once he does turn his life around, what is left is a legacy of hurt and let down to whom? Me? almost 7 years of letting me down when a relationship should be about helping the other up. But what did I do? I sat there and let it happen. I did nothing to change my situation. When I thought I could break out on my own, I chose being with someone for the wrong reasons rather than being alone for the right ones (apologies to John Hughes, I stole from ya big time there).

So now where am I? Let's sum up: busted knee, crooked mouth, financial precipice because I stuck around and a work situation about to go really sour. If I look at this all negatively, this is where I am. If I look at it positively? I can only think that my knee will get better, it will take a while but somewhere down the line my teeth and jaw will be perfect and I am strong enough to put up with K and all her stupid passive agressive nonesense if she so happens to wield it now. But as for me and A? For a while I've been pretty upset, just letting it go and drag on. Just like he did ; with no action taken. And so I can only be dragged on some more I guess because I won't go, I won't pick myself up and start over. Is the fight in me gone? Am I too scared? The world could be my oyster and I could head back to NYC. Back to my roots.

America's Vet Dogs 5K

So we all participated in the America's Vet Dogs 5K Race/Walk in Quiet Waters Park in Annapolis Sunday (April 3). We had great fun. A groaned and moaned since he had to wake up early and had to (gasp!) move his ass at a significant pace that involved leaving his house! Casey was on her best behavior as she got many pets on the head and attention from unknown folks. She even got her picture taken from the photographer covering the event. She couldn't wait to get started and kept us all going at a good clip. We made good time (finished with a time of 46:23) and the weather was absolutely perfect!


Can't wait until next year..maybe we'll try to run it next year?

New year, New me!

I started this post then abandoned it...what does that say about my new me in the new year? So far so good though actually. I have been keeping up with my exercising, I have been asserting myself and speaking my mind and not taking crap from anyone no way no how.

Lots of things are still the same though: I still get piney and moody for things of the past. I still prefer my solitude and can not for the life of me gather up courage to do things more extroverted people do like call up friends to hang out and make eye contact with people in conversation.

I like watching movies by myself on a Saturday or Sunday morning. I like solitude sometimes to think about things too much in my mind.

I still wallow in self I-don't-know-what and think about pessimistic things about the past and the present and the future.

Then when it gets too bad I think about all of the things I have in my life that are really great. Rinse, repeat.

So:

new year, slightly new model me,

old habits, die hard.

Back to the BK in a few days

Heading back to Brooklyn next weekend and I can't wait! Haven't been home since October. Miss it much, need my fix.

I'll see you soon, then.

Christ on two corn dogs and a funnel cake, what the hell is going on in the world?

I just got an e-mail from an ex. A freak of nature is a mild way to describe him. He is about to have a kid. He then tells me his two adopted sisters who are 27 and 25 are also about to have kids. Another ex , I just found out on facebook, had a kid a few days ago.

What the hell is going on? Egypt is in anarchy, Yemen's president won't run again, Tunisia is still finding it's way, who's next? The EU is in economic fall out, our own country is going to hell in a hand basket because there are people in congress who think God made them and evolution isn's possible while global climate change is inevitable as we experience yet another snowmaggedon winter.

the hell?

BTW, do you like my new phrase? I stole it from a movie I watched recently...it's my new thing...I dig it.