Feeling depressed

In a bad way today. Weather, mood, job related, who knows? Been this way for a few days. Doesn't help that my dad is in the hospital. Doesn't help that we don't know why.

This coming weekend was supposed to be fun and relaxing and I was looking forward to it, but it was not to be.

I've thought a lot lately about how things go in life, sometimes good, sometimes bad. But I only come up with the end result and why should it end that way? Seems like we all got gypped.  I  think about that funny quote that used to be tossed around the internet in the early days about a soliloquy rattled off by George Constanza's character on Seinfeld. How we should really start out life with death and old age and wind up at the end an embryo about to be someone's orgasm. That to me seems like the better way to go!

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus?!?! I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back, spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm! Amen.”

 - George Costanza

But we're here and should make the best use of our time, because it is so, so limited and we don't realize it I think until it smacks us in the face. In a bad way. And then we sit up and take notice but do we really do something about it? I've tried. But I tend to wind up feeling like I do today. Then I try to pull myself out and it becomes a cycle that I feel wasted too much of my precious, limited time...rinse, repeat.

How to break free from that, I don't know. My means of escape at times is sleep...or a movie.

I've tried to pry myself out of my work situation where I am unhappy and feel that I worked too hard for too long to have it be this way. I've tried, tried, tried. Still waiting on the results...

Focus on the good things, right? But ignore the not so good? Where is the balance? Just accept that life is this way? Just looking for some answers and rambling on here but it may in some way help to ease the time spent and the focused thoughts that could use some reassessment.

100 Years Old

I was at a funeral yesterday. It was a celebration of life of someone I wish I could have known better but knew well enough. She died one month shy of her 101st birthday. I've never known anyone who lived that long, can you imagine what that must be like? Lots of people like to mention how they would never want to live that long because of all of the people you lose along the way, but what about the things and people you do get to see as well? What about the history and experiences you can have? What about the loves and lives you can share, so many more than most people.

She was small in stature, with a tough as nails exterior and an organized mind like you would not believe yet a sweetness you could. Can you imagine all that she saw and did starting in 1911? So many things came and went in her life, good and bad, new and old.  Family came first to her of course and most important to her was that she was a wife, a mother of two, grandmother of five and great-grandmother of 6. She did cross-stitch, read several books a week, could recall details in her own and other people's lives half her age!  When I first met her she was 92 years old and frying a steak in a cast iron skillet in an apartment she lived in alone; only because her husband with whom she had been married to for 69 years had only recently passed away. She sent many cards for birthdays, holidays, and notes to say hello and how she was doing. She had her own way of doing things and saying things as well. She would laugh just as easily as she would tell you you were wrong about something and she would precisely lay out why. She took her time with things but she sure could tell a story that kept you rapt in the details and waiting for the punchline in that old Baltimore way.

We were planning a visit to see her this weekend, I hadn't seen her since her 99th birthday nearly two years ago. I couldn't be there for her 100th because of hurricane Irene...

I'm gonna miss her but can only feel a melancholy happiness. I'm glad  I am able to say I knew someone so wonderful who had seen so much, and I got to be a tiny little part of that.

counting on you, mystical spirits of the fate-o-sphere

This time around I'd really like if you could make things go my way...just saying...
This time around I think I'd really like to move on...
This time around I just want to say when the mood or force moves you, have it be positive to my future happiness...
This time around I can feel it!