Breyer Horses

Most of my childhood I can remember not playing with dolls but instead playing with my Breyer horses. I would save up my allowance each chance I would get and buy the newest one or the one I liked the looks of. I would play in my room for hours, making courses for them to jump, grooming, and saddling them up. I would make blankets for them and I even made a 4 stall stable and tackroom out of cardboard taped together that I placed in the corner of my room. "Corner Stables" I called it and I had a horse blanket custom made by someone with the name on the side. I made my own grooming tools too, a hoof pick I made by bending a paper clip I had cut short, a curry brush from some velcro glued to a piece of fabric. Buckets and sponges made from a piece of a dish sponge cut really small and a plastic container from something or another my mom had lying around.

I loved my Breyer horses. Still do actually. When living in Brooklyn did not enable me to be nearby a place where I could ride, my Breyer horses let me do so in my imagination instead. I imagined I was a great cross-country rider or a great equitation enthusiast. I could be a show-jumper or a dressage competitor or even a racing horse jockey.

My horses were cared for well, lots of imaginary hay and healthy oats and feed to make them strong and fast. I could take them for a walk in the field (the carpeting in my room) just on halter and they would follow me where I went and nuzzle me with love. I could always hug them and be there for them for whatever they needed.

A few weeks ago Amber's dad posted a message that stated if someone was interested in her Breyer horse collection that the family kept in storage he was interested to know. I sent him a message. I remember when Amber showed me her collection. She had more Breyer horses than I could ever have. We had a few of the same ones. Her father said she did the same thing: played with her horses instead of dolls, made a stable for them and everything. Amber and I were one in the same in that respect. I told him I would be honored if the family would let me have them. He said that his wife was not ready to part with them and understandably so.

Dear Amber,

I just wanted to let you know that I miss you lots. I was waiting for you to be done with vet school so we could reconnect and I would come visit you and Jill since I know you wouldn't want to come to the East Coast. A West Coast girl through and through, Iowa was as far East  as you would tread.

I had such high hopes that you would have your own practice or however you wanted to spend your days as a vet, to live your dream. I wanted to meet Floyd and Kelty in person. I wanted to reminisce with you about our days at Adobe and thank you again for being there for me and have it be even a little bit tolerable only because you were there.

I can not do these things now and it pains me, saddens me. I am sad because you did not get a chance to be where you wanted to ultimately be. I am sad because Jill is left alone without her true love. I am sad because of all of the fuzzy ones you will never get to treat, and show your love to. I am sad because your family got cheated beause you were not here long enough for them to love you as long as they wanted to. I am sad because I knew you could do anything you put your mind to and that was taken away from you.

I am sad because I will never get to see you again.

Feeling Blue

Sometimes when I am feeling reminiscent I try to find the smells, touches, tastes and senses of another time. I don't know how to describe this in detail but for example, when I feel a bit of nostalgia and melancholy about College Park, I remember the days I use to spend there in the suburban streets. I remember the familiar turns and short-cuts, the area near the airport, the times I spent walking the paths around Lake Artemesia, the times I felt sadness or happiness in those places and the reasons and people who made me feel those feelings come back to me.

I try not to dwell there but I like to remember those times I had; I had them, I have them in a memory spot in my mind. No one else has these memories except the people who were there with me if they remember these things the same way at all.

It makes me think back to when I was a student, that I could not wait to be on with my life, in the real world. I don't wish to be back where I was but it is so strange to me that the time has passed so much, so far because it does not feel as long ago as it is.

Other thoughts that make me feel a little sad are of when I was in California. How I wish I could have done that differently. How I wish I knew then what I know now.

Still other things that make me mopey are remembering Rockaway Beach and the times I spent there with friends. Even longer ago but those are the times in my life I felt satisfied. Can you imagine feeling satisfied in your life at all? Never been able to get to that point, try as I might.

The Portuguese/Brazilians have a word for all of this. In English we say we "miss" something. As if it were lost. But I like the Portuguese word better: saudades. A longing, desire, melancholy feeling of sadness or wistfulness for something or someone. It is not to describe something that is lost, rather something you are wanting for or waiting for that makes you happy but there is sadness at the same time. There is no way to translate that in English. The feelings of both are always there together even if there is no single way to describe it.

Instead, you just have to feel it and I feel as if it is felt too much sometimes, and it makes me blue.

Is it wrong to want to punch an old lady on the Metro?

I was on the Metro the other day just trying to get to my appointment at 5 pm. I made my connection from the Blue/Orange to Red at Metro Center. Slow people and tourists clogged the escalator so by the time I got to the platform, the train was pulling in. I made my way over to my spot on the platform to get on the train at the right car so it would put me in the right place on the platform when I exited. People were slow getting on and it was crowded...what was going on today?

Anyway, I made my way in but no one decided they would move to the center of the car. I was stuck by the door knowing that I would be trying to find a way to the side when the doors opened at Gallery Place. Sure enough, at Gallery Place, multiple people from either side of me were making their way to the door, leaving me no where to retreat to so I was stuck looking left and right to find a place to get out of the way. Just as I was doing this, a little piece of shit old lady says to me, "You're blocking the median" so I turned to her and said "I'm trying to get out of the way, jeez".

This is what I should have said:

"Lady, I'm not some dumbass tourist or clueless metro rider who doesn't know to leave room so people can get out at their stop. The metro was jammed, I had no where to go, and fuck if I'm going back out on the platform and have the doors close on me and leave me at Gallery Place so shut the fuck up and mind your own damn business, asshole! I'd get out of the way if I could, but I can't, so fuck off".

I hate clueless assholes who feel they have the right to say what they say in total error and I don't care that they're 150 years old. She wasn't sweet, just old.

My friend is gone and it hurts (Thanks to Mary for the title)

My friend Amber is gone. I am saddened beyond words and without comprehension. How could someone so young be taken so soon? Amber followed her dreams. She never gave up and knew what she wanted. She and I were from the same fabric: that determined, nothing can stand in my way, it may take me a little bit longer but I'm gonna do it fabric. And her dream was taken from her.

Why does this happen to those you love so much? Why does it happen to those who love and are loved so much? Amber only had love and caring to give to everyone she met. She inspired me and propped me up even when she was far away. She was my only solace when things around me seemed their crummiest when I worked at the vet hospital. She made things fun, she had wonderful ideas, and loved everything furry and fuzzy from big to small. She was fearless herself and loved a challenge.

She showed me her home, California, how she knew I would appreciate it most: we went hiking in the redwood forests, we went to play in the rocky intertidal tide pools and had the best time doing it. We saw a crab lay her eggs in a tiny pool, bought a flat of strawberries that were the best strawberries I had ever tasted and saw the most wonderful thing imagineable to me: a wild sea otter floating among the kelp off the coast and just a few feet away from the tidal pools. I will never forget that for as long as I live.

She loved Jill more than anything else. To find your soul mate is truly rare and they were blessed to have been able to spend even that short amount of time with one another. I can not even imagine what Jill is going through as I am having troubles dealing even as a dear friend and some distance away.

I only have comfort knowing that she was loved by so many so much. That she will be dearly missed is the palest way to say what a wonderful person she was and I am all the more of me for knowing her.

Sweet dreams, Amber. May your vet school dream come true where ever you are and may you take care of the ailing and healthy fuzzy ones for all eternity. Thank you for providing me with the most pleasant and powerful memories of my life. I will cherish them always.

Miss you...