I hoped but it didn't work. So far 2013 is the worst of my life. Hands down, without a doubt. I feel jealous of those who have both parents. I feel in the small majority of those with none. But I am in the smallest percentile of those who lost both in such a short time frame.
It hurts worse than anything I have ever experienced. This is the worst in my life. I feel like I have nothing now and the irony of it all is the two most health conscious people I know got taken too soon and did not deserve this. No one does.
I can't write anymore now. I'm just angry. Angry at those who made it through ok and angry there is no rhyme or reason. Just angry...and hungry...maybe more later....
When will this get better? When will I start to feel functional? When will I find a comforting notion, something, anything? When will I start to get my appetite back? When will my mouth stop being so dry?
When will the hurt and the pain stop? When will it ever change? When will I stop beating myself up over it? When will I smile and pause and think warmly? When can I find reminders to be soothing instead of burning? When will the time pass as it once did? When can I stop thinking of life as this useless passage of time? How can I fix this? How can I get them both back? How can I do this? How can I manage this?
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ReplyDeleteSara, I'm so sorry! I know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteWhen I lost my mom, the following day was the worst! I felt a mix of anxiety, despair and I literally couldn't breathe.
I felt so empty, SO empty and I remember thinking that I would never see her again. Something overwhelming came over me, I cried like I had never cried before and I was gasping for air. I felt like there was NOTHING I could do and I remember this horrible feeling so vividly that to this day it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it.
I never felt that way before, it was so overwhelming that she was gone forever and I felt limp and completely helpless.
What I can say is that time really does help with the pain. The emptiness will never go away and you will catch yourself crying once and a while, but it does hurt less with time.
I wish I could be there. You have my email. If you ever want to talk to a friend, I'm here.
Com carinho, Lu
Oi Lu,
DeleteI'm never certain if anyone ever reads my posts. I am glad that you did. I hope all is well with you, my world is upside down right now. The only gem from all of this is I now have 4 laying hens! my mom had chickens and I took them so they would have a good home with someone who loved them like she did. You must come visit so you can see them. They are beautiful and they provide us with eggs. I have only had them 6 days but it was the best decision I made to have them here with us.
beijos e com saudades,
Sara