Friendship

I was given the directive that if I write more, it will help me get out of my INTJness so here I am. I want to write about friendship. Friendship to me is as tricky as falling in love and knowing if you are with the one and how to know when to spend the rest of your life with someone.

When I was younger I had a difficult time understanding what a friend was because it seemed those I considered friends would toss me at the drop of a hat for reasons that still escape me to this day (please don't ask me why I decide to dwell on dumb shit like this instead of keep all the information on GnRH in fish in my head instead and I would have been able to have had a better answer to that question at my prelims).

I can recall three instances in my younger years when three different people I considered friends one day just started to ignore me. For no reason. One of them even wrote my name in their calendar with a "= hate" next to it. How could anyone hate me? I never say anything! Maybe in those days I had less of a filter. Then I decided I needed to filter more and more and suddenly found myself with less to say for fear it would make someone not want to be my friend anymore.  I took this with me into my romantic relationships. Always fearing if I said something less than flattering it would end the relationship right there. So why bother saying anything negative therefore I would endure the worst kind of being taken advantage of you could imagine and then I would cheat on that person and couldn't figure out why I was so unhappy. Wow that seems really a dumb way to go about shit.

Wow.

Glad I saw the error in my ways. 

Not.

Anyway, I still kind of struggle with knowing how to maintain friendships and how to start them. I guess it really depends on the personality of the person I meet. I have learned that friendships like romantic relationships need to be cultivated, encouraged and are two way streets.  I broke out of my shell this week and invited two friends from grad school who I see infrequently only because our lives are so busy, to lunch for dim sum.  One could not make it, the other came with her boyfriend (who I have met on many occasions and who I like very much) and her boyfriend's daughter. We had a great time. We got to catch up on each other's lives and enjoy delicious food all at the same time. I live for that! What a great day. A true friend.

This makes me think of another friend of mine who I cherish more than she probably knows. She helped the most at one of the lowest points in my life. Not to sound too corny but she was a shining beacon in the grimness and greyness my life was at that time. She believed in me when even I would not and the rest of the world was falling down on me. I can not express how grateful I am to her, to this day and always for how she picked me up when I was low. I have told her many times but I do not know how much she knows she changed my life by just encouraging me and not letting me give up when I really, really wanted to. So this friendship I know how it works, and I don't take it for granted and I enjoy every moment we spend together.

What a treat it is to know where your true friends are. I know she would never toss me at the drop of a hat.

Sidewalks Part III - danger zone just trying to take a stroll

So I know I mentioned practically taking my life in my own hands just getting my mail at the mailbox but I nearly got mowed down by some asshole in a Mercedes SUV last Friday night just walking the dog. Here again I want to emphasize if our damn street had sidewalks throughout the neighborhood, my near brush with death would be nonexistant.

I was out with the dog just at dusk. I brought my flashlight, almost as an after thought; thank goodness A said to take it! I was walking down our street (flashlight on, brightly lit) where it essentially forms a T with a connecting street and there is a STOP sign at the corner of the connecting street. I am walking in the street (no sidewalks, remember?) when suddenly I see this giant black SUV coming toward me and making a huge arc coming from the connecting street. Apparently asshole SUV decided to take that turn way wide (probably because he was not paying attention). Me and the dog had to jump (nearly dive) onto the lawn of the house I was walking in front of. As I watched the car continue on and I yelled "asshole, what the fuck was that?" I see the woman in the passenger seat with this look of shock and her mouth in the shape of an "o".  I so wished the windows were open.

INTJ

INTJ- Meyers-Briggs personality type. That's me. It's a blessing and a curse. No. Scratch that. It's a curse. If you're not one of these you have no idea what it is like to be stuck in your head all day and have others not be able to figure you out.

I unfortunately have others misinterpret me on a constant basis. And to top it all off, I am not the classic INTJ who doesn't get bothered by misgivings in others. I take it to heart and get bent out of shape and blame myself if others don't agree. What the hell?

Does that sound sane to you?

I am too accomodating, and never look out for myself. I am quick to blame myself and take the blame, often for things that have nothing to do with me! What the hell?

Does that sound rational?

But, INTJness makes me an excellent scientist. So if anyone were to doubt that in me, shove it. And I can prove it. And fuck you for ever doubting me.

Wish I could give my INTJness away and trade it in for something more present. I feel like others feel like I'm never present. I feel like I have to constantly prove to others when I am. I wish I could get away from myself sometimes...forget the inside and focus on what goes on around me. It's really hard. You have no idea.

Sidewalks Part II

Walking the dog, I notice now that my neighborhood has sidewalk elitism. The new-fangled development down the block with the HOA and rules and regs and speed bumps with non-descript homes and clueless suburbanites who leave their garage doors open all day and night have sidewalks. We on the other side of the tracks in the modest-income older home section do not. I have to take my life in my hands everytime I go to the mailbox.

Boyfriend has a friend on the police force in our county...when he asked him about what we could do to slow down the idiots who speed down our section of the neighborhood that has young children playing and a disabled child he replied "drywall screws". Just toss 'em out into the street. They'll learn. Well, I would love to do that but me and my non-constraint would probably wind up throwing them at the car instead of nonchalantly throwing them into the street in hopes of flattening a tire or two. Then we'd be in a real pickle.

Anyway, I digress...if our side of the tracks had sidewalks, I wouldn't feel as fearful just going to get my mail. As it is I have to look both ways before I get the mail. Plus, our mailbox has been vandalized on several occasions, once even the police were called because our mailbox head got chopped off and replaced onto our neighbor's mailbox post. Hooligans I tell ya'.  I think the suburbs need to re-evaluate what they have to offer...peace of mind? Quiet? Low crime? You gotta be kidding! And what the hell is up with me having to *walk* to my mailbox? Who ever heard of such a thing?

Afraid

I'm afraid. I had a scare. I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying to be sure I am looking out for myself but don't want to be drastic in my attempts. But when I find out the reality, I will follow the lead of the person whose opinion on the matter means the most.

I'll either be ready for a drastic change or find new meaning in how to determine how best to protect myself after a lifetime of others doing this for me and realizing I fall short when it become up to me to make the decisions and I can't recognize the situation.

My time has come.

Withdrawal Symptoms

I'm starting to have withdrawal symptoms from being away from New York City for too long. I have sudden urges to hop subway trains and eat in trendy cafes, window shop and tell someone I'll meet them at a numbered street and a numbered avenue without saying "avenue".

I want to go see a weird museum exhibit, I want to stroll through Central Park and sit down on a park bench and read, or sit in a coffe shop and surf the internet while waiting for a friend before we go see a movie.

I want to take the dog for a walk around the block or to the park to meet others with dogs so they can run around because my backyard is a postage stamp and not the grassy, wooded sprawl I have in reality.

I feel like going to the botanic gardens or to the beach before beach season to truly enjoy it. I want to do all these things I used to do when I was a city dweller rather than what I am now: a suburban commuter. Yeesh. Never thought I'd see the day yet here I am.

Last week I needed a bagel fix so I got a dozen bagels and 1/4 pound of lox. I want to answer questions with a question and be sarcastic and witty while narrowly avoiding double-parked cars.

I want to stroll down the street and see odd things that I wish I had my camera handy for. I want my small group of friends I once had that were always within short driving distance, walk, or bus.

I'm having withdrawal to the way things were, before I was so preoccupied with my academic life. Now that that challenge has been met, I think I am looking for more and city dwelling seems my way I know how. What is challenging about the suburbs?

Going home...

Home. Isn't that a funny concept? It can be a location but mostly it's a feeling. A feeling of warmth, comfort, ease and relaxation. That's where I'm going. Back to where I can be myself. Back to where I grew up and know that people there understand my sense of humor, the way I form a sentence and the sarcastic way I say and do things. Home is being understood by those around you. Home to me is Brooklyn. Where I lived for most of my life. Where I will go back to one day if it will have me. Where I can wander about and find things and do things and know how to get there and know what I'm doing there.

I don't feel pressured or out of sorts. That's what it is all about. Feeling at home in a place and with yourself. That's home.