Friendship

I was given the directive that if I write more, it will help me get out of my INTJness so here I am. I want to write about friendship. Friendship to me is as tricky as falling in love and knowing if you are with the one and how to know when to spend the rest of your life with someone.

When I was younger I had a difficult time understanding what a friend was because it seemed those I considered friends would toss me at the drop of a hat for reasons that still escape me to this day (please don't ask me why I decide to dwell on dumb shit like this instead of keep all the information on GnRH in fish in my head instead and I would have been able to have had a better answer to that question at my prelims).

I can recall three instances in my younger years when three different people I considered friends one day just started to ignore me. For no reason. One of them even wrote my name in their calendar with a "= hate" next to it. How could anyone hate me? I never say anything! Maybe in those days I had less of a filter. Then I decided I needed to filter more and more and suddenly found myself with less to say for fear it would make someone not want to be my friend anymore.  I took this with me into my romantic relationships. Always fearing if I said something less than flattering it would end the relationship right there. So why bother saying anything negative therefore I would endure the worst kind of being taken advantage of you could imagine and then I would cheat on that person and couldn't figure out why I was so unhappy. Wow that seems really a dumb way to go about shit.

Wow.

Glad I saw the error in my ways. 

Not.

Anyway, I still kind of struggle with knowing how to maintain friendships and how to start them. I guess it really depends on the personality of the person I meet. I have learned that friendships like romantic relationships need to be cultivated, encouraged and are two way streets.  I broke out of my shell this week and invited two friends from grad school who I see infrequently only because our lives are so busy, to lunch for dim sum.  One could not make it, the other came with her boyfriend (who I have met on many occasions and who I like very much) and her boyfriend's daughter. We had a great time. We got to catch up on each other's lives and enjoy delicious food all at the same time. I live for that! What a great day. A true friend.

This makes me think of another friend of mine who I cherish more than she probably knows. She helped the most at one of the lowest points in my life. Not to sound too corny but she was a shining beacon in the grimness and greyness my life was at that time. She believed in me when even I would not and the rest of the world was falling down on me. I can not express how grateful I am to her, to this day and always for how she picked me up when I was low. I have told her many times but I do not know how much she knows she changed my life by just encouraging me and not letting me give up when I really, really wanted to. So this friendship I know how it works, and I don't take it for granted and I enjoy every moment we spend together.

What a treat it is to know where your true friends are. I know she would never toss me at the drop of a hat.