Brooklyn Girls are the Best in the World!

I can't help it. I'm a NY girl. You can't take it out of me, you can't break me, you can't erase it. I love me some good pizza, a great bagel, a convenient open all night bodega, a Snapple while walking the hot streets, a bag over my shoulder that holds whatever I might need out and about, subway fare, cab fare, a new exhibit at a local museum, a street fair, an artsy movie theater, a hot knish from a street vendor, a tucked away path in Prospect or Central Park, quick jaunts to friend's houses to stop in to get something before hitting the town, outdoor seating in a hip, dog friendly cafe, the view of the Manhattan skyline from the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, and on and on. I have dreams of being on the BQE still. I have dreams of the ocean at Rockaway and Manhattan Beach. When I say home I mean Brooklyn. When I think of my future I am there, NY State. I'm always, constantly, thoroughly, inevitably, incurably, unabashedly in a NY State of Mind.

My heart jumps a little when I cross over the Verazzano from S.I. I can see Brooklyn in all her glory as I left her last when I was there usually two months before. She is changing quickly now. She's not the same as she was when I spent all my hours there. Yet I am always haunted by her memories. Powerful imagery from the Brooklyn of my youth and that I remember so fondly. She's tucked away amidst the regentrifying and the new construction and the changing real estate.

She's still brash and uncouth and gritty and raw, ornery and agitated everyday. I wouldn't trade her for all the Ellicott Cities or all the Columbias, ever.

Never.

frustration

I'm feeling frustrated...trapped, boxed in. Not sure which way to go but I do know that when I get this feeling, I do everything in my power to make it so I am back on track to where I want to be. That feeling of spinning my wheels motivates me to get moving and gather all the resources necessary to make progress and move forward.

There are a few things in my life I can not motivate myself to do: number 1 is get that manuscript finished. I can not. It brings up too many painful memories and I hate spending time on something I already spent too much time on. And so it drags on. And I feel it will never be good enough to be published anyway. so why bother? So will I never be published? It has been almost 10 years since my last publication in a peer-reviewed journal. Maybe part of me feels I am just not good enough to be published after I saw what went on during the first process. Just name drop and you're in?

sad, sad world we are in science peeps.

Is it just me?

...or is the world really off kilter and has been for some time? How is it that unattractive people find attractive people to marry them? Disagreeable people find the nicest, coolest people to marry them? Maybe I am all wrong here and the nice, cool people are merely that on the outside and inside they just match the disagreeable mate they chose? 'Cause those disagreeable people sure aren't turning nice and cool anytime soon.

Where is my wedding? I'm the nicest coolest person I know and extremely agreeable. What gives karma? What up universe kilter? Can you please turn "on" and stop being "off"?

Can the miserable people stop enjoying the luck and luxury and good fortune and shove some good vibes toward those who constantly struggle, everyday?

That would be nice. Really.

Just my (non) Luck!

So I was all set to do the Warrior Dash, what happens? I bust my knee....two weeks before I'm supposed to do this awesome race I kept telling everyone about, that I prepared for for 5 months. Fuck!

Next, I finally go see the orthodontist, what does he tell me? I need to possibly have jaw surgery, my mouth is completely awful, it may cost up to $9,000 and the implant, is iffy. Might have to remove a tooth to put in a fake tooth or move a tooth that might require a root canal. WTF?

Not the worst of it: new employee, who in all the world does it happen to be? Someone I never liked in my old grad program who is a passive agressive yuk. Maybe she has changed but I dreaded this day since M told me.

I am starting to culminate all feelings about the disappointment in A. I realize once he does turn his life around, what is left is a legacy of hurt and let down to whom? Me? almost 7 years of letting me down when a relationship should be about helping the other up. But what did I do? I sat there and let it happen. I did nothing to change my situation. When I thought I could break out on my own, I chose being with someone for the wrong reasons rather than being alone for the right ones (apologies to John Hughes, I stole from ya big time there).

So now where am I? Let's sum up: busted knee, crooked mouth, financial precipice because I stuck around and a work situation about to go really sour. If I look at this all negatively, this is where I am. If I look at it positively? I can only think that my knee will get better, it will take a while but somewhere down the line my teeth and jaw will be perfect and I am strong enough to put up with K and all her stupid passive agressive nonesense if she so happens to wield it now. But as for me and A? For a while I've been pretty upset, just letting it go and drag on. Just like he did ; with no action taken. And so I can only be dragged on some more I guess because I won't go, I won't pick myself up and start over. Is the fight in me gone? Am I too scared? The world could be my oyster and I could head back to NYC. Back to my roots.

America's Vet Dogs 5K

So we all participated in the America's Vet Dogs 5K Race/Walk in Quiet Waters Park in Annapolis Sunday (April 3). We had great fun. A groaned and moaned since he had to wake up early and had to (gasp!) move his ass at a significant pace that involved leaving his house! Casey was on her best behavior as she got many pets on the head and attention from unknown folks. She even got her picture taken from the photographer covering the event. She couldn't wait to get started and kept us all going at a good clip. We made good time (finished with a time of 46:23) and the weather was absolutely perfect!


Can't wait until next year..maybe we'll try to run it next year?

New year, New me!

I started this post then abandoned it...what does that say about my new me in the new year? So far so good though actually. I have been keeping up with my exercising, I have been asserting myself and speaking my mind and not taking crap from anyone no way no how.

Lots of things are still the same though: I still get piney and moody for things of the past. I still prefer my solitude and can not for the life of me gather up courage to do things more extroverted people do like call up friends to hang out and make eye contact with people in conversation.

I like watching movies by myself on a Saturday or Sunday morning. I like solitude sometimes to think about things too much in my mind.

I still wallow in self I-don't-know-what and think about pessimistic things about the past and the present and the future.

Then when it gets too bad I think about all of the things I have in my life that are really great. Rinse, repeat.

So:

new year, slightly new model me,

old habits, die hard.

Back to the BK in a few days

Heading back to Brooklyn next weekend and I can't wait! Haven't been home since October. Miss it much, need my fix.

I'll see you soon, then.