CBI LAN is down...

...perhaps we should all go into the server room and sing "for he's a jolly good fellow"!

huzzah!

3 times a charm of middle aged bitches

Ok, so I dunno what the f was going on a few weeks past but it seemed like every middle aged woman with a stick up her ass wanted to chew me out for no reason, and for some other twist of fate it happened to be international.

October 14: I am in Paris for work (so awesome, maybe another post about that when I get motivated) and I took a few days to see the sights and enjoy the fact that I was in Paris. I decided to check out the Paris Catacombs but that required navigating the metro. Which I put off bec. public transportation has certain nuances one can only get a handle on as a native. I don't like to be put in embarrassing situations so I like to avoid potential mishaps. Anyway, I get to the ticket counter and I am trying to read the regs for a day pass. it is hard to understand the "zones". Some crazy bitch comes up behind me with some wheely luggage and proceeds to yell at me in French so fast all I can understand is why are you standing there. In my promptness to reply, I tell her in English to go ahead of me. She looks at me like I have two heads. She then proceeds to bitch me out (I think) in French but luckily she is speaking way to fast for me to even remotely catch what she is saying. This unfortunately prompts the poor ticket booth guy to come out of his booth to ask me what is going on. I ask him if he speaks English and since he replies to me in French I proceed to tell him in French that I would like to buy a ticket but I do not understand the zones. He explains that to me and then I say yes I would like to purchase a day ticket so stay within Paris and travel the metro for any number of trips. I apologize profusely in French and he gestures not to worry about it because that woman was crazy...indeed!

Well that makes for a great story but that is only number 1. Number two happened at 6:30 am when I arrived at Dr. B*******'s to park my car as I have been doing for the past 2.5 years. I park my car in a space labeled "reserved" which are intended for visitors to people who do live in that apartment. In all of my 2.5 years doing this I have NEVER seen anyone that early at the apartment until October 17 when there is a woman doing Tai Chi on the lawn to the right side of the apartment. She proceeds to ask me if I live there. When I reply no she asks if I parked in a spot. I said I parked in a spot labeled reserved. She proceeds to be nasty and inquisition like to say how unfair that is for me to park there all day while at work and what is your name and what is your license plate number. I said that is not important. I am allowed to park there because the person who lives there who I see has allowed me to do so. If you want to take it up with her her name is J*** B*******. I said I see her in the afternoons and she asked my appointment time. I said 4:30...have a nice day and she said nothing back. WHAT in the world gives her the right to grill me like that at 6:30 am on a Monday morning? Bitch, clearly your Tai Chi is not doing the job because you need to find something better to do than that at 6:30 am! Fuck! I proceeded to walk to metro all flipped out because of thoughts of her trying to have my car towed. Luckily there was someone else parked in a spot labeled "reserved" so she would not be able to tell which car was mine. Who does that shit? christ on a corn dog!

Sweet number 3: Fast forward to that Friday October 21 (so I have come full circle; in one week a total of 3 middle-aged bitches chewed me out for no reason in that they, in my opinion, all needed to get laid). I am in Baltimore dropping off some financial papers at RBC for A. 100 Light Street. I find a parking garage nearby and it is a tight squeeze driving up the driveway in the garage to get the ticket. The hill at the ticket thingy is pretty steep (think Chinatown San Francisco) and I am parked a little off so I have to unbuckle my seat-belt. Bitch number 3 screams at me from her car "come on already!", so I proceed to yell out of my car, "give me a second!" She then proceeds to give me less than a millisecond and screams something else bitchy I can't remember so I yell "what the fuck is wrong with you?". I grab my ticket and proceed to take my sweet ass time trying to find a spot up on level 6. I find one and as she zooms passed me, I flip her the bird with emphasis. What an asshole! I felt like getting out of my car and punching her. At 10:30 am? Really? What is it with you bitches before noon on a weekday? What in your life is so hard that you had to decide to take shit out on me on two continents in the span of one week?

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

Warrior Dash 2011, Virginia

So I did it after all. I registered for the Warrior Dash down in Southern Virginia, near Charles City, right off the James River. For months I prepared, for months I felt ready. Then, as soon as a few weeks before rolled around, I started to panic. I started to get my feelings of inadequacy, ineptitude and worry....so bad that I had trouble sleeping, for four days before the actual race day. What would it be like? What if I get hurt? What if I can't do an obstacle and I embarrass myself in front of droves of people more fit and physically able than I? what if...blah blah...blah. Friday rolled around and I almost quit. We had no one to feed the cats. Returning early Sunday was my only comfort knowing they would only be without food for one day. They would not starve and I put lots of fresh water down and fed them extra Friday before we left.

Casey stayed with auntie Tecla...no worries there :-D

So A and I drove down to Va Friday night and of course got stuck in some mad traffic on 95 in Va, what else is new? We got to our hotel and it was pretty nice...Residence Inn...great digs! Much love and recommend it highly.

Saturday morning rolls around and I am panicked to the core. I can't sleep very well. I try every relaxation method in the book...breathe, think good thoughts, let your mind go...but I could not. My mind was wrapped around one panicky thought and only one panicky thought: what will this crazy thing be like?

We made our way over to the race grounds: a beautiful plantation (Berkeley Plantation) right on the James River. We parked in the corn fields a good bit away. Because they were not allowed to served beer at this particular Warrior Dash, we got our parking free and I get a free registration to the next Warrior Dash (MD, 2012 baby!)

We made our way down to the main area, I picked up my race packet (bib, timer, fuzzy Viking helmet (yay!) and t-shirt). We wandered around, watched the previous waves coming into the finish and I panicked some more. Finally my wave time came up and I got in line. I tried to breathe, I tried to think good thoughts, I did what I could to calm myself down but when my inner neuroses kick in, there's no stopping the panic. For once I just wish I could really say "whatever!"

The announcer got everyone riled up, I felt a lot better once surrounded by others about to do the same crazy thing I was about to. A nice sense of camaraderie. The flames shot out of the torches and off we went. I jogged for a good stretch...running in mud I found was difficult (captain obvious). I saw the first obstacle in the distance and I was ready for it. Lots of people passed me but I was also passing alot of people. The first few obstacles: no problem...up and over, tires, crumpled cars, horizontal cargo net (rough on the quads but definitely doable). Then came the water obstacle. Rolling over a log in water that was at my ribs was challenging, then running in soaked clothes with mud in my shoes was also very challenging, but I continued on...next came the boot camp obstacles, planks, and two walls, one with rope, the other without. The planks were fun as it suddenly made me feel my calves and a little bit of strain/charlie horse. That feeling went away...whew! The walls I thought would be tricky but my upper body strength is a lot more than I gave myself credit for and I was up and over those things with no issues. Next came the water obstacle: just wading through the  shallows of the shore of the James River...what a beautiful river. Next came the cargo net (vertical) and was a no brainer easy as pie obstacle. Then came my favorite, the flames: warrior roast. I cleared those two sets of flames like a pro. And finally, the mud crawl. I entered and sunk up to my shoulders..then proceeded to crawl my way to the finish under the barbed wire. Let me tell you, that was not easy. Full of muddy water and crawling on my belly on my elbows and knees was fun! Finally I passed the finish line with a hug smile on my face and a medal I earned around my neck. I got a banana and a water and was glad to receive both.

A came to greet me but steered clear of the mud. He helped me eat my banana, I bought a cool track jacket and then went to the warrior wash: ie, go wade in the James river to get the mud off. It was like a baptism...tons of other warriors floating or wading or pouring water over their arms and legs to get the mud off. It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm and I had completed my dreaded 5k (actually it was 3.11 miles) and 11 obstacles...(more than other warrior dash locations). I felt prouder and better than I had about myself in eons. Eons! I did it! Just me! By myself! And those obstacles I thought would give me trouble, were easy as pie. Such as life you know?

A and I enjoyed the rest of our stay in Va at Colonial Williamsburg. We ate at a great restaurant and had the best peach and blackberry cobbler I'd ever had. I had room for it all. After running a 5k I had no qualms about stuffing my face with good food!

I am the warrior!

Shepherdstown, W. Va

So I'm here for a week. Let's see how it goes. So far I feel like I am 13 again and at sleep away camp. Everything has a "rustic" theme. I ate my dinner in a cafeteria that is styled like a hunting lodge. Complete with taxidermy display in the lobby of a caribou being chased by two wolves. That was donated by a friend of the training center...long time friend and taxidermist....you can't make this stuff up. I was going to go for a walk but it is thndering and will probably start to rain like hell in a few minutes. The crummy thing about being in the middle of nowhere when that happens is there's no satellite TV. Done. Out. And I'm gonna miss True Blood for te first time in two seasons!

crap.

Good thing I brought shit to read.

more tomorrow from lovely W.Va!

Brooklyn Girls are the Best in the World!

I can't help it. I'm a NY girl. You can't take it out of me, you can't break me, you can't erase it. I love me some good pizza, a great bagel, a convenient open all night bodega, a Snapple while walking the hot streets, a bag over my shoulder that holds whatever I might need out and about, subway fare, cab fare, a new exhibit at a local museum, a street fair, an artsy movie theater, a hot knish from a street vendor, a tucked away path in Prospect or Central Park, quick jaunts to friend's houses to stop in to get something before hitting the town, outdoor seating in a hip, dog friendly cafe, the view of the Manhattan skyline from the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, and on and on. I have dreams of being on the BQE still. I have dreams of the ocean at Rockaway and Manhattan Beach. When I say home I mean Brooklyn. When I think of my future I am there, NY State. I'm always, constantly, thoroughly, inevitably, incurably, unabashedly in a NY State of Mind.

My heart jumps a little when I cross over the Verazzano from S.I. I can see Brooklyn in all her glory as I left her last when I was there usually two months before. She is changing quickly now. She's not the same as she was when I spent all my hours there. Yet I am always haunted by her memories. Powerful imagery from the Brooklyn of my youth and that I remember so fondly. She's tucked away amidst the regentrifying and the new construction and the changing real estate.

She's still brash and uncouth and gritty and raw, ornery and agitated everyday. I wouldn't trade her for all the Ellicott Cities or all the Columbias, ever.

Never.

frustration

I'm feeling frustrated...trapped, boxed in. Not sure which way to go but I do know that when I get this feeling, I do everything in my power to make it so I am back on track to where I want to be. That feeling of spinning my wheels motivates me to get moving and gather all the resources necessary to make progress and move forward.

There are a few things in my life I can not motivate myself to do: number 1 is get that manuscript finished. I can not. It brings up too many painful memories and I hate spending time on something I already spent too much time on. And so it drags on. And I feel it will never be good enough to be published anyway. so why bother? So will I never be published? It has been almost 10 years since my last publication in a peer-reviewed journal. Maybe part of me feels I am just not good enough to be published after I saw what went on during the first process. Just name drop and you're in?

sad, sad world we are in science peeps.

Is it just me?

...or is the world really off kilter and has been for some time? How is it that unattractive people find attractive people to marry them? Disagreeable people find the nicest, coolest people to marry them? Maybe I am all wrong here and the nice, cool people are merely that on the outside and inside they just match the disagreeable mate they chose? 'Cause those disagreeable people sure aren't turning nice and cool anytime soon.

Where is my wedding? I'm the nicest coolest person I know and extremely agreeable. What gives karma? What up universe kilter? Can you please turn "on" and stop being "off"?

Can the miserable people stop enjoying the luck and luxury and good fortune and shove some good vibes toward those who constantly struggle, everyday?

That would be nice. Really.

Just my (non) Luck!

So I was all set to do the Warrior Dash, what happens? I bust my knee....two weeks before I'm supposed to do this awesome race I kept telling everyone about, that I prepared for for 5 months. Fuck!

Next, I finally go see the orthodontist, what does he tell me? I need to possibly have jaw surgery, my mouth is completely awful, it may cost up to $9,000 and the implant, is iffy. Might have to remove a tooth to put in a fake tooth or move a tooth that might require a root canal. WTF?

Not the worst of it: new employee, who in all the world does it happen to be? Someone I never liked in my old grad program who is a passive agressive yuk. Maybe she has changed but I dreaded this day since M told me.

I am starting to culminate all feelings about the disappointment in A. I realize once he does turn his life around, what is left is a legacy of hurt and let down to whom? Me? almost 7 years of letting me down when a relationship should be about helping the other up. But what did I do? I sat there and let it happen. I did nothing to change my situation. When I thought I could break out on my own, I chose being with someone for the wrong reasons rather than being alone for the right ones (apologies to John Hughes, I stole from ya big time there).

So now where am I? Let's sum up: busted knee, crooked mouth, financial precipice because I stuck around and a work situation about to go really sour. If I look at this all negatively, this is where I am. If I look at it positively? I can only think that my knee will get better, it will take a while but somewhere down the line my teeth and jaw will be perfect and I am strong enough to put up with K and all her stupid passive agressive nonesense if she so happens to wield it now. But as for me and A? For a while I've been pretty upset, just letting it go and drag on. Just like he did ; with no action taken. And so I can only be dragged on some more I guess because I won't go, I won't pick myself up and start over. Is the fight in me gone? Am I too scared? The world could be my oyster and I could head back to NYC. Back to my roots.

America's Vet Dogs 5K

So we all participated in the America's Vet Dogs 5K Race/Walk in Quiet Waters Park in Annapolis Sunday (April 3). We had great fun. A groaned and moaned since he had to wake up early and had to (gasp!) move his ass at a significant pace that involved leaving his house! Casey was on her best behavior as she got many pets on the head and attention from unknown folks. She even got her picture taken from the photographer covering the event. She couldn't wait to get started and kept us all going at a good clip. We made good time (finished with a time of 46:23) and the weather was absolutely perfect!


Can't wait until next year..maybe we'll try to run it next year?

New year, New me!

I started this post then abandoned it...what does that say about my new me in the new year? So far so good though actually. I have been keeping up with my exercising, I have been asserting myself and speaking my mind and not taking crap from anyone no way no how.

Lots of things are still the same though: I still get piney and moody for things of the past. I still prefer my solitude and can not for the life of me gather up courage to do things more extroverted people do like call up friends to hang out and make eye contact with people in conversation.

I like watching movies by myself on a Saturday or Sunday morning. I like solitude sometimes to think about things too much in my mind.

I still wallow in self I-don't-know-what and think about pessimistic things about the past and the present and the future.

Then when it gets too bad I think about all of the things I have in my life that are really great. Rinse, repeat.

So:

new year, slightly new model me,

old habits, die hard.

Back to the BK in a few days

Heading back to Brooklyn next weekend and I can't wait! Haven't been home since October. Miss it much, need my fix.

I'll see you soon, then.

Christ on two corn dogs and a funnel cake, what the hell is going on in the world?

I just got an e-mail from an ex. A freak of nature is a mild way to describe him. He is about to have a kid. He then tells me his two adopted sisters who are 27 and 25 are also about to have kids. Another ex , I just found out on facebook, had a kid a few days ago.

What the hell is going on? Egypt is in anarchy, Yemen's president won't run again, Tunisia is still finding it's way, who's next? The EU is in economic fall out, our own country is going to hell in a hand basket because there are people in congress who think God made them and evolution isn's possible while global climate change is inevitable as we experience yet another snowmaggedon winter.

the hell?

BTW, do you like my new phrase? I stole it from a movie I watched recently...it's my new thing...I dig it.

I like this quote too...my thoughts are with you in your recovery, Ms. Giffords

“If you want something done, your best bet is to ask a Jewish woman to do it, Jewish women — by our tradition and by the way we were raised — have an ability to cut through all the reasons why something should, shouldn’t or can’t be done and pull people together to be successful.”

-Gabrielle Giffords

Keepin' it real

Found this in some old files from my old computer. It's from 2006 but of course, still applies, everyday:

I am from Brooklyn.

Raised in Brooklyn.

I love this place, Brooklyn.

It is my home, it defines me and shaped who I am.

When people ask me I say proudly, Brooklyn.

With an eyebrow raised and an “oh!” for a response, I note the tone of surprise in their voice.

I am from Brooklyn.

Not Queens, not the Bronx, not Manhattan and most certainly not Staten Island…

I know neighborhoods and streets like the back of my hand.

Take the girl out but it stays in her heart always, for all days, for always she is from Brooklyn.

She knows the street names and the bus lines. She knows the subway stops and the good delis.

She left it some years ago, thinking it would be best, but it turned out for the worst.

She forgot about Brooklyn. She let it slip and almost lost her grasp.

But now she remembers she is from Brooklyn. She has back her edge, her pride and her Brooklyn slang.

Her mind is in Brooklyn, her thoughts are of Brooklyn and her edge is Brooklyn.

It’s time I get back to my roots, in Brooklyn.