Too many things twirling around

I wanted to write about the awful weekend I had, but then thought maybe I should write about the serendipitous thing that happened a few weeks ago when I started my evening class, then I thought, maybe I should write about something I've been thinking about that should just be put down on paper and then I realized, I have way too many thoughts swirling around in my head and it is making me sick, truly, which is why my weekend was awful and it is driving me crazy!

So to sum up, I have lots to write but am too frazzled to get it all straight and coherent so I am choosing to write as whatever comes.

So what I am going to write about is taking it easy. I have been very focused on making my life as simple as I can ever since I was done with grad school. Things like that made my life very stressful, for many, many years and I no longer want to accept that life should be that way. Nowhere does it say that you have to suffer or struggle to get to where you want to be. And so, I take that to heart and make it what I live by. I never, ever feel the need to stress out about something because there is nothing in this world that is worth getting yourself physically ill about. Now most times I can tell myself and I can successfully convince myself of this, but I don't always listen to myself.

That's when I get caught up in something that stresses me out so much I can't function. I have had some background level stress for a while now. My dad is in the hospital. For 2 months. I know I am not dealing with it well. So it remains this low level, background stress that saddens me, depresses me and makes me full of angst and full of memory. So with a background level just pulsing, small pulses, everyday, anything else that comes along gets added on to it. So there is a small pulse in the background and then a more pressing pulse of stress on top of that. Think of it as two rhythms going on at once, different time signatures...that's bound to drive anyone batty with ill-timed music going off in their head, right?

So I deal with the one, maybe but the other just keeps pulsing along, low, slow, in the background. And something else comes along that sends a spike of stress through my system, so low and slow gets added on to super charged high intensity short lived spiked stress. No way to deal with that. My body doesn't know how. So I shut down and haven't recovered. My brain has gone fuzzy, my routine, turned upside down and things I planned to do, went by the wayside. I become disappointed, disillusioned and frustrated. rinse,repeat...

I'm going to try some meditation, and breathing. Some way to calm things down and turn things down to normal level, to turn the pulsing to low and as slow as possible. Now.