Feeling Blue

Sometimes when I am feeling reminiscent I try to find the smells, touches, tastes and senses of another time. I don't know how to describe this in detail but for example, when I feel a bit of nostalgia and melancholy about College Park, I remember the days I use to spend there in the suburban streets. I remember the familiar turns and short-cuts, the area near the airport, the times I spent walking the paths around Lake Artemesia, the times I felt sadness or happiness in those places and the reasons and people who made me feel those feelings come back to me.

I try not to dwell there but I like to remember those times I had; I had them, I have them in a memory spot in my mind. No one else has these memories except the people who were there with me if they remember these things the same way at all.

It makes me think back to when I was a student, that I could not wait to be on with my life, in the real world. I don't wish to be back where I was but it is so strange to me that the time has passed so much, so far because it does not feel as long ago as it is.

Other thoughts that make me feel a little sad are of when I was in California. How I wish I could have done that differently. How I wish I knew then what I know now.

Still other things that make me mopey are remembering Rockaway Beach and the times I spent there with friends. Even longer ago but those are the times in my life I felt satisfied. Can you imagine feeling satisfied in your life at all? Never been able to get to that point, try as I might.

The Portuguese/Brazilians have a word for all of this. In English we say we "miss" something. As if it were lost. But I like the Portuguese word better: saudades. A longing, desire, melancholy feeling of sadness or wistfulness for something or someone. It is not to describe something that is lost, rather something you are wanting for or waiting for that makes you happy but there is sadness at the same time. There is no way to translate that in English. The feelings of both are always there together even if there is no single way to describe it.

Instead, you just have to feel it and I feel as if it is felt too much sometimes, and it makes me blue.