Prosperous Fish Swatch

Right before So a few days after I got back from SETAC this year I was loading some laundry into the dryer and my awesome fish watch that my friend got me busted! I caught the hinge of the watch on the door of the dryer and it fell apart. This made me incredibly sad! Not only was I out a watch but this was my swatch watch diver watch with fish on the band...see through and all in typical swatch watch fashion. I rummaged through my other watches but couldn't find one to wear that was working...my other cool glow in the dark vampire swatch watch needs a new battery, my Citizen dive watch my brother got me long ago was in need of a battery but when I took it to the Citizen counter at the mall they said they don't do that and I could take it to a kiosk but the last time I did that the a hole behind the counter mangled my K. Haring watch that also glowed in the dark and I still miss it.

So I thought where else to get a cool retro Swatch watch than Ebay...so off I went to peruse Ebay and I found this:

http://compare.ebay.com/like/150529958905?ltyp=AllFixedPriceItemTypes&var=sbar&rvr_id=182127029546&crlp=1_263602_304662&UA=WXI7&GUID=ba52cc8c12a0a0b3f8f2ce62ff8e2e84&itemid=150529958905&ff4=263602_304662

Perfect! I love it. Should I get it? Of course, there's a fish on it! So I went to buy it (no need to bid) and I went to use Pay Pal and it was still using my credit card that I previously had listed. I needed to change that. I tried to do so but Pay Pal has this thing where they want to make sure it is you so they "charge" you $1.95 and put a  little code next to that charge on your credit card statement to let you know. They say you can remove the charge (prove it's you) by logging in and typing the code in. That requires looking at your credit card statement. This was the middle of the month. I won't get a credit card statement for another few weeks. If you don't put the code in the charge is permanent!

Pay Pal is an asshole.

Anyway I frantically tried to get my credit card company statement online but Ihavent done that in a year so I didn't remember my password or login or anything...so that required me to call the credit card company, have them check my login, change my password, and then I could view my statement.

Then I had to change my credit card in Pay Pal to remove that nasty $1.95. But I had trouble doing this because the stupid browser kept telling me I had cookies not letting the page refresh...what? So I called Pay Pal. I called (after checking the area code) Nebraska...I was on the phone for 20 minutes with Maria who helped me fix everything. She was sort of annoying and had the worst customer service tone but I got the end result I wanted: removal of the  $1.95 charge.

So I bought my fish watch...it arrived yesterday...perfect! Brand new and I feel whole again with a fish watch on my wrist. But this watch has a crazy symbol on the front I don't know what it is. It looks cool. I tried to google it but didn't get the information I needed. Rather than walk around with a watch with a character on it I could not explain if someone asked me I decided to ask a work colleague. I looked for D or Y, they are both Chinese. I wasn't sure it was a Chinese character but I took the risk. I couldn't find either of them this morning (darn you toxicologists for being busy) but finally tracked down Y this afternoon. I asked him if he could translate the character for me. He said it means "fish"! Some characters in Japanese are Chinese in origin but of course he could tell this one meant "fish". How cool is that? I love my new watch!!!!

Yay!!!

Breyer Horses

Most of my childhood I can remember not playing with dolls but instead playing with my Breyer horses. I would save up my allowance each chance I would get and buy the newest one or the one I liked the looks of. I would play in my room for hours, making courses for them to jump, grooming, and saddling them up. I would make blankets for them and I even made a 4 stall stable and tackroom out of cardboard taped together that I placed in the corner of my room. "Corner Stables" I called it and I had a horse blanket custom made by someone with the name on the side. I made my own grooming tools too, a hoof pick I made by bending a paper clip I had cut short, a curry brush from some velcro glued to a piece of fabric. Buckets and sponges made from a piece of a dish sponge cut really small and a plastic container from something or another my mom had lying around.

I loved my Breyer horses. Still do actually. When living in Brooklyn did not enable me to be nearby a place where I could ride, my Breyer horses let me do so in my imagination instead. I imagined I was a great cross-country rider or a great equitation enthusiast. I could be a show-jumper or a dressage competitor or even a racing horse jockey.

My horses were cared for well, lots of imaginary hay and healthy oats and feed to make them strong and fast. I could take them for a walk in the field (the carpeting in my room) just on halter and they would follow me where I went and nuzzle me with love. I could always hug them and be there for them for whatever they needed.

A few weeks ago Amber's dad posted a message that stated if someone was interested in her Breyer horse collection that the family kept in storage he was interested to know. I sent him a message. I remember when Amber showed me her collection. She had more Breyer horses than I could ever have. We had a few of the same ones. Her father said she did the same thing: played with her horses instead of dolls, made a stable for them and everything. Amber and I were one in the same in that respect. I told him I would be honored if the family would let me have them. He said that his wife was not ready to part with them and understandably so.

Dear Amber,

I just wanted to let you know that I miss you lots. I was waiting for you to be done with vet school so we could reconnect and I would come visit you and Jill since I know you wouldn't want to come to the East Coast. A West Coast girl through and through, Iowa was as far East  as you would tread.

I had such high hopes that you would have your own practice or however you wanted to spend your days as a vet, to live your dream. I wanted to meet Floyd and Kelty in person. I wanted to reminisce with you about our days at Adobe and thank you again for being there for me and have it be even a little bit tolerable only because you were there.

I can not do these things now and it pains me, saddens me. I am sad because you did not get a chance to be where you wanted to ultimately be. I am sad because Jill is left alone without her true love. I am sad because of all of the fuzzy ones you will never get to treat, and show your love to. I am sad because your family got cheated beause you were not here long enough for them to love you as long as they wanted to. I am sad because I knew you could do anything you put your mind to and that was taken away from you.

I am sad because I will never get to see you again.

Feeling Blue

Sometimes when I am feeling reminiscent I try to find the smells, touches, tastes and senses of another time. I don't know how to describe this in detail but for example, when I feel a bit of nostalgia and melancholy about College Park, I remember the days I use to spend there in the suburban streets. I remember the familiar turns and short-cuts, the area near the airport, the times I spent walking the paths around Lake Artemesia, the times I felt sadness or happiness in those places and the reasons and people who made me feel those feelings come back to me.

I try not to dwell there but I like to remember those times I had; I had them, I have them in a memory spot in my mind. No one else has these memories except the people who were there with me if they remember these things the same way at all.

It makes me think back to when I was a student, that I could not wait to be on with my life, in the real world. I don't wish to be back where I was but it is so strange to me that the time has passed so much, so far because it does not feel as long ago as it is.

Other thoughts that make me feel a little sad are of when I was in California. How I wish I could have done that differently. How I wish I knew then what I know now.

Still other things that make me mopey are remembering Rockaway Beach and the times I spent there with friends. Even longer ago but those are the times in my life I felt satisfied. Can you imagine feeling satisfied in your life at all? Never been able to get to that point, try as I might.

The Portuguese/Brazilians have a word for all of this. In English we say we "miss" something. As if it were lost. But I like the Portuguese word better: saudades. A longing, desire, melancholy feeling of sadness or wistfulness for something or someone. It is not to describe something that is lost, rather something you are wanting for or waiting for that makes you happy but there is sadness at the same time. There is no way to translate that in English. The feelings of both are always there together even if there is no single way to describe it.

Instead, you just have to feel it and I feel as if it is felt too much sometimes, and it makes me blue.

Is it wrong to want to punch an old lady on the Metro?

I was on the Metro the other day just trying to get to my appointment at 5 pm. I made my connection from the Blue/Orange to Red at Metro Center. Slow people and tourists clogged the escalator so by the time I got to the platform, the train was pulling in. I made my way over to my spot on the platform to get on the train at the right car so it would put me in the right place on the platform when I exited. People were slow getting on and it was crowded...what was going on today?

Anyway, I made my way in but no one decided they would move to the center of the car. I was stuck by the door knowing that I would be trying to find a way to the side when the doors opened at Gallery Place. Sure enough, at Gallery Place, multiple people from either side of me were making their way to the door, leaving me no where to retreat to so I was stuck looking left and right to find a place to get out of the way. Just as I was doing this, a little piece of shit old lady says to me, "You're blocking the median" so I turned to her and said "I'm trying to get out of the way, jeez".

This is what I should have said:

"Lady, I'm not some dumbass tourist or clueless metro rider who doesn't know to leave room so people can get out at their stop. The metro was jammed, I had no where to go, and fuck if I'm going back out on the platform and have the doors close on me and leave me at Gallery Place so shut the fuck up and mind your own damn business, asshole! I'd get out of the way if I could, but I can't, so fuck off".

I hate clueless assholes who feel they have the right to say what they say in total error and I don't care that they're 150 years old. She wasn't sweet, just old.

My friend is gone and it hurts (Thanks to Mary for the title)

My friend Amber is gone. I am saddened beyond words and without comprehension. How could someone so young be taken so soon? Amber followed her dreams. She never gave up and knew what she wanted. She and I were from the same fabric: that determined, nothing can stand in my way, it may take me a little bit longer but I'm gonna do it fabric. And her dream was taken from her.

Why does this happen to those you love so much? Why does it happen to those who love and are loved so much? Amber only had love and caring to give to everyone she met. She inspired me and propped me up even when she was far away. She was my only solace when things around me seemed their crummiest when I worked at the vet hospital. She made things fun, she had wonderful ideas, and loved everything furry and fuzzy from big to small. She was fearless herself and loved a challenge.

She showed me her home, California, how she knew I would appreciate it most: we went hiking in the redwood forests, we went to play in the rocky intertidal tide pools and had the best time doing it. We saw a crab lay her eggs in a tiny pool, bought a flat of strawberries that were the best strawberries I had ever tasted and saw the most wonderful thing imagineable to me: a wild sea otter floating among the kelp off the coast and just a few feet away from the tidal pools. I will never forget that for as long as I live.

She loved Jill more than anything else. To find your soul mate is truly rare and they were blessed to have been able to spend even that short amount of time with one another. I can not even imagine what Jill is going through as I am having troubles dealing even as a dear friend and some distance away.

I only have comfort knowing that she was loved by so many so much. That she will be dearly missed is the palest way to say what a wonderful person she was and I am all the more of me for knowing her.

Sweet dreams, Amber. May your vet school dream come true where ever you are and may you take care of the ailing and healthy fuzzy ones for all eternity. Thank you for providing me with the most pleasant and powerful memories of my life. I will cherish them always.

Miss you...

This is what my silence is and this is what my silence isn't

Do not interpret my silence this way: non-interest, lack of knowledge, fright, boredom, misunderstanding.

I have none of these things when I am silent.

This is what my silence is: pause, reflection, absorption, pontification, consideration, formulation, digestion, and deliberation.

You, who will assume, assume in error. And you will then be judged by me, thoroughly.

I don't idly chat, and I won't speak without thinking.

Don't misinterpret me. I hate that. Never assume anything of me because of what I don't do.

Only understand me by what I am.

I am telling, not asking. Because I'm tired and done with the misperception.

there. said it. done.

Paris Blogs

As promised, I am writing to tell why I started to read blogs about Paris, a city I have never been and probably never want to go to.

Back in 2007 I used to read http://www.gringoes.com/ religiously. I love Brazilian culture and the language. They have a great segment everyweek called "Brazil Through Foreigners Eyes" where they interview a foreigner who chose to come to Brasil to live or work and find out what made them fall in love with the place so much they wanted to live there. I think I wanted to be one of those people but never got up the courage to do what they did. I can not leave the East Coast of the U.S. It's my home. I tried to do it once for a year and I missed everything there was to miss.

Anyway, one day on the website I started reading a blog written by someone who called himself Kermit the Vlog. Because he is French (get it?) and was writing a video blog. Anyway, he had links to blogs he followed that were fellow Parisians or should I say fellow ex-pats living in Paris who wrote about life being an ex-pat in Paris. One of these blogs was Petite Anglaise. I started to follow her trials and tribulations a little late in the game but found out how she started and wound up writing her blog, etc, etc. She no longer blogs but it made me seek out more Parisian ex-pat bloggers to get a feel and live vicariously through them I suppose.

But, this only recently started to fade for me. I used to read a whole pile of ex-pat Parisian blogs. Right now, I only read one. I think I would love Paris. It's a city after all, with tons going on.

But it got me started reading Brooklyn blogs and it turns out, I can relate to these a bit better than those Parisian ones. Not sure why it took me traveling south of the equator then across the pond to realize the obvious but I'm never one to make things easy, always gotta complicate shit and confuse the issues :-)